This is a question that plagues singles—and even a good number of marrieds—all over this globe! We read books, men and women have discussions with their same-sex friends, men and women talk with their trustworthy “inside scoop” opposite-sex friend, couples work on communicating more clearly their needs and desires, books are written in an attempt to reveal the secret—to unscramble the code, seminars are attended, surveys are taken, more books are written and read, but even after all of that, are we any wiser?

Once we allegedly figure out what men and women want, what do we do with that information? Sometimes it intimidates us or overwhelms us or just plain feels entirely impossible to fulfill. At times I wonder how God thought it was a good idea for men and women to be made for one another, “We don’t even come from the same planet, Lord—didn’t you read that book?!?” But then I think about all the incredibly wonderful things I love about men and dream about having and knowing someday with one man and I stop to give God a whole bunch of credit for his decision back there in the garden.

The question that titles this blog came to my mind as I was thinking about a recent experience in the grocery store. It started out as a quick stop to pick up tomatoes for the dinner I was having at a friend’s house. I was attempting my usual speed walk in, around the store, and through the check out line. I ran into a guy at the entrance who was very chivalrous allowing “ladies first.” His chivalry ended there. I could feel him watching me through the whole store. I got my tomatoes and was headed for the check out when I saw that there was only one line and he was the last person in it. I feigned forgetting something back in the store trying to stall for time…but I didn’t want to be late for dinner, so in the line I stood. Sure enough in about 3.2 seconds Mr. Powerade was talking to me—only not so much talking to me as to my chest. He was telling my chest what an attractive woman I was and was asking how he could become one of my friends and get my number so we could go hang out at Jamba Juice. This went on for some time and I waited as the cashier needed a price check and then as she ran out of receipt paper and needed to change the roll out. Now I’m not going to deny that I am really pretty awkward in these situations which probably made the situation feel like an eternity longer than it actually was but finally, Mr. Powerade checked out and left. Without my number. He stopped by my car in the parking lot to wish me well and told me to, “take care of yourself out there.” (He doesn’t know I’m learning how to box).

This whole situation made me think about what it is that I want from guys. Sure, it’s wonderful to have some stranger walk up and tell me that I am attractive—that does a little something for a girl’s self esteem. But then again he was talking to my chest when he said that so he loses the points he just earned. I will give him credit for having the guts to just come right out and say it. I don’t know that I would—I know that I have never had the courage to just go up to a man I think is good looking and just tell him so. In the end, I left the store wondering, “What is it that I want from men?”

I think about my experiences in certain situations in which not a single guy asked me out or gave me any special attention, and I think about experiences in other situations in which I got plenty of attention from the moment I walked into the room—or the store. It has been my experience more often than not that guys I have known in Christian circles have been less likely to walk up to me, engage in conversation and ask me out while guys I meet randomly out and about have no qualms about asking me out or asking for my number.

I think about these two very different worlds and I wonder, “Where is the happy-medium?” Generally I am not flattered by the grocery store or sidewalk encounters of being hit on; actually it usually makes me feel gross and creeped out. But I am equally discouraged by the blaring lack of attention from men that I actually want to talk to me. And while I don’t want to walk into a church and wade through a bunch of ridiculous pick up lines, I don’t want to feel like I am an untouchable either.

I think maybe what happens in Christian circles is that we have been taught about respect and discerning God’s will and saying no to sex and not being careless with our hearts or others’ hearts. The result of all this, I think, is the fear that a man can’t talk to a woman without being 100% positive she is the one he is going to marry. Whoa! Talk about pressure! I think women feel an equal amount of pressure to know whether or not he is “the one” before she can ever accept an invitation to coffee or dinner. But we have done ourselves a mighty disservice; we have somehow exchanged healthy, comfortable dating and getting to know one another for awkward avoidance-yet-desire situations.

I think what could help is a lowering of expectations. Note, I did not say “standards,” I said expectations. If we—men and women—place insurmountable expectations on a first conversation, first date, first anything, chances are that situation will never even occur. And let me be frank—this is not an idea I have always been comfortable with. I have always had a very clear idea about how God would bring my love into my life etc…Dr. Henry Cloud writes in How to Get a Date Worth Keeping, that, “if you are waiting for love to be delivered to your door, you are narrowing your options to the mailman or the FedEx guy,” and while some of us might love a man in uniform, this is actually an unrealistic way to go about hoping. So I am working on having a more open mind and open attitude. I’m not so open that I want to give Grocerystore Guy my number, but I am open enough to not feel the need to know whether or not a man is marryable before I can go out to coffee with him. Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly a few things that I do still need to know before I will go out with someone.

In the end, I think that—at least for Christian men and women—we could afford a few more ounces of courage. Men: ask women out on more dates, and Women: accept a few more dates. And maybe what we need to do is to redefine “date.” I had to do this in my own life realizing that I could accept an invitation to coffee or lunch or going to the park and let it be just that. Of course this takes serious effort on my part to keep my mind at coffee and not fast-forward to dating, engagement, marriage, kids, life, retirement, etc. I’m sorry, its part of how I’m wired as a woman. But the good news is that it’s possible to stay in the moment of having coffee—it’s a discipline, but it’s possible! The exciting thing is that amazing things can transpire when we allow ourselves to open to the idea of going on dates—we can get to know someone and uncover astounding treasure we never would have known about. We can discover connections and similar dreams, hopes, and hobbies and these discoveries can lead to dating.

Some suggestions for having a successful, casual and comfortable date:

• The time of day is key: a first meeting during the day is causal and safe; its about getting to know one another, not about romance…yet, so save the evening dinner dates for later!
• I recommend meeting each other at your destination and each paying for their own drink/item—this will continue the theme of keeping it casual.
• Set a clear time frame. Be sure to set yourselves a limit of one to two hours—this way no one feels “stuck” and if its going great then you have a chance to ask for a second date; if not, you haven’t committed the entire day to awkwardness
• Chose your setting wisely. Make sure the setting is casual and not too intimate; but one that affords opportunity for conversation that doesn’t need to be shouted over hustle and bustle.
• The expectations should be clear: Men: “I’d love to get to know you more. Would you like to have coffee with me?” Women: DO NOT read, “I’d like to marry you and be ministry partners for life,” read, “I’d love to get to know you more. Would you like to have coffee with me?” and then make your decision (with an open mind).

1. If the date goes really well, Women: say so! Tell him how much you enjoyed talking with him, comment about something you admire or respect about him, and let him know you’d be interested in going out again; Men: pick up on these cues and set another date, or get her contact information so you can follow up—then follow through.
2. Maybe there was something from your conversation that could be an activity—a hobby you discovered you mutually enjoy, a place you both love to visit, an activity you both enjoy doing
3. If you had a great time, make sure the man or woman doesn’t leave without knowing so—between men and women, I don’t think anything can be too clearly communicated!

In the end, I think men and women want so very much the same thing: we long to be desirable, interesting, witty, engaging, noticed, attractive…etc. We want to be picked out of a crowd, we want to stop time for someone, we want to go out on dates, we want to be discovered by someone and we want what is discovered to be embraced—rust and gold all the same.

I think its time for some bold moves. In the communication gaps between men and women subtleties are so often lost or misinterpreted and result in an abundance of pain and suffering on one side while the other side hasn’t the foggiest idea anything happened. If you’re on a date, call it a date so that everyone knows what they’re working with. If you are not on a date, then don’t act like it sending mixed signals. If you wish the activity you’re doing is a date but it’s not, then say so; have the courage to take a risk!…and men, if you don’t realize that you wished it had been a date until its over, call her and tell her then ask her on a proper date!