Heat Wave Rule #1:

• Don’t get a job where you are required to sit on a high metal stand and watch other people swimming in deliciously cool, sparkling waters.  Likely side effects include: feelings of resentment toward said swimmers; self-pity; irrational thinking such as, “these swimmers are smugly taunting me in my not-cool state;” fantasies & delusions about anything cold: frozen treats, ice water, playing in a snow storm, & lifeguarding during the winter months; and in some [not so rare] cases insanity.

Heat Wave Rule #2:

• It is not advised that you leave your chapstick/lip moisturizer in your black [oven-on-four-wheels-which-is-exponentially-hotter-because-you-forgot-to-put-up-the-sun-shade] car.  If you do this, realize that said chapstick will no longer be of any use to you and acknowledge that you will have a melty lip balm mess to clean up as well.

Heat Wave Rule #3:

• Arrange your life so that you do not have to move every single year during the hottest three weeks known to woman.  Learn a lesson from the previous five moves and make a note to extend your lease well into the winter months so that you can avoid the sorting/packing/moving/unpacking process in the 500 degree heat.  It is also helpful to remember that motivation to accomplish said moving chores drops well below zero as the mercury rises.

Heat Wave Rule #4:

• Things made of wax do not survive non-temperature controled storage in places that experience heat waves.  So that collection of decorative candles you have in the outside storage shed will not still be in tact post heat wave.

Heat Wave Rule #5:

• Take care in selecting an apartment.  Note that top floor apartments on the southwest corner that do not have any air conditioning will, in fact, be hotter than Hades.  This is evidenced by the walls in this corner of the apartment becoming hot to the touch therefore radiating additional heat increasing your misery especially during attempts to sleep.