I’m a strong woman.  I can carry, push, haul and schlep stuff with the best of ‘em;  I can support myself financially;  I have a sense of who I am, where I came from, what I like,  where I hope to go; and I can hoist myself up by my bootstraps when the going gets rough.  As much as I’ve come to cherish who I am and to administer grace to the parts of my self that are not my favorite, I’ve also come to learn that my strength can as easily be a deterrent as it is a captivating quality.  In light of this I thought I’d share with you some of my findings and thoughts on the subject.

Before we start, I’d like to give my personal definition of a “strong woman” this way we can all be on the same page throughout the rest of this two-part blog series.  A strong woman is she who: exudes confidence, passion, ambition, integrity, beauty; has steadfast convictions and standards she’s not willing to compromise; enjoys her independence; has a clear grasp of who she is (likes, dislikes, dreams, wounds); has had to learn to take care of the house/the car/doing many things on her own; and, is working on her past as well as working toward her future.

Dear Men,

Myth busting:
Strong women are not out to keep you from being and expressing your deliciously manly selves.  In fact, the becoming of a strong woman really has little to do with competing with men.  Rather, it has more to do with survival and becoming the most complete version of ourselves.  (I will admit, that there are times when strong women have felt compelled to push to be as good as, as fast as, as strong as the guys around her, but you can read more about my thoughts on that here).Secret telling:
Wanna know a secret about strong women?  Many of us, while perfectly capable of doing many things on our own, don’t really want to do so for the rest of our lives.  We’re perfectly excited about letting you wear the tool belt, handing over the tire iron and plunger, and enjoying the sight of you working your manly magic on the broken, flat, leaky and clogged fixtures around the house and garage.  Every once in a while we might like to pick up a wrench and help out, just for old time’s sake; we’d even love for you to show us something new about how something works or how to fix it just right.

Hint giving:
Trust & trustworthiness.  One of the most vital components of any relationship.  Definitely one of the most valued qualities a strong woman looks for in a man.  Many strong women have become so because they have overcome challenges throughout their lives.  Many have had to learn to do chores and tasks that would traditionally fall to the man to do because there just hasn’t been a man around.  She has had to face the reality that if things are going to get done, she is the one to have to do them.  She has learned to trust herself but maybe others have let her down.  Because she is strong and has had to be strong (even when she didn’t want to be), she wants to know that you are strong enough to be trusted with her whole self–strengths and weaknesses all together.

Of course this feels daunting but trust can easily be earned by being trustworthy.  Some practical ways you can do this: if you say you are going to call, call; if you say you will come over and help out, come over and help out; if you say you will be there to listen, be there and listen (and do so without having to offer a solution).  If you have trouble remembering things you’ve said you’ll do make a habit of writing it on your calendar or scheduling it into your phone.  There’s no shame in post-it reminders about how to love those you cherish we all need helps along this vast and exciting adventure of love!

Dreams & Ambitions. Especially with current trend of singleness extending on into late twenties and thirties, strong women have clearly defined dreams and ambitions which often reach far beyond being a wife and mother; many times her goals do include these desires which tug just as powerfully at her heartstrings.  I encourage men to engage a strong woman in telling you about her dreams and ambitions rather than to be threatened by them.  Granted, her vivid picture of the future may challenge traditional understandings of gender roles and may rock the boat.  But I do urge you to stick out the conversation(s); passion has a way of being contagious and you just might find an irrepressible desire to join with her and pursue the  dream together!

I was talking with a good friend of mine the other day.  We were discussing the reality of our discerning palate when it comes to the men we hope to meet and marry.  At one point she said,

“While I am picky about the kind of man I want to marry, I think its more about being picky about the kind of life I hope to live and the kind of person I want to be.  Now finding the man who wants to join me in all of that is what drastically narrows the pool of eligible bachelors!”

I love her perspective!  Sure, there are certain qualities I am more inclined to like over others and I’m always a sucker for a tall drink o’ water (the one definition in the Urban Dictionary that is really not at all scandalous!)  But ultimately I believe that strong women are excited about their lives, about who they are, about where they are headed and they just can’t wait to share all the bounty of their experiences with someone else.  Strong women want a man who can consider her ambitions as well as his own when dreaming up their future, not a man who expects her to abandon all her accomplishments and goals to follow his plan.

Respect. I know the fastest way to turn me into a feisty, feathers raised, fists clenched, ready-to-prove-you-wrong whirling dervish is to treat me like I am not capable.  On the other hand, I have recently discovered that the fastest way for me to accept and even seek out the help of a man is for him to respect me.  Now, I know there are quality men out there who just want to treat a woman well and that is fantastic!  Maybe we just need to break down how to actually accomplish this successfully.  Strong women most likely have been told throughout their lives that they can’t do x, y, or z.  It is this very doubt that pushes and motivates her to do exactly x, y, AND, z…and with quite a flourish at that!  Strong women respond much better to respect and admiration than they do to being stifled or pitied.

Let me tell you a story.  A while ago I was with a friend of mine, a man, and we were doing some work outside.  I went over to a rather large and heavy object and began moving it.  My friend came over to me and said, “Here let me help you.”  Not wanting to put him out of his way as he had stopped what he was doing to come help me I said, “Oh that’s okay, I’ve got it.”  He then held the object so I could no longer schlep it along and looked straight at me and said, “I know you’re a tough cookie Mav, but you’re still a cookie.  May I help you?”  At that moment I had zero objections to being helped.  After that day I found myself asking him to help me with more things–things I could have very well done myself.  It was curious to me but I discovered that I very much liked letting him help me carry things, fix things for me, tighten things for me, and even give me a hug when he knew I needed one.

It wasn’t until weeks later that I figured out just what had changed in my ability to receive help from him–I certainly wasn’t as willing to accept help from certain other people.  I realized that I was entirely happy to be helped because he had shown me he acknowledged and respected my strength while at the same time, offering his own strength to the situation.  Additionally, I felt that he was offering his help not because I needed it, but because I deserved it.  I’m telling you, this was a powerful lesson for me to learn.  I realized that I need my strengths to be respected and admired before I can accept and also ask for out help.

Be the man you are. Masculinity is not all about being some burly, hairy chested, grunting, he-man.  I have certainly known perfectly manly men who were capable of articulating their inner thoughts and feelings through mediums such as music, poetry, and art.  Manliness and tenderness are certainly not mutually exclusive.  Furthermore, learning to cherish and adore a strong women does not have to be an emasculating endeavor.  Strong women desire a strong man–both emotionally and physically.  In a healthy relationship neither partner should feel they have to diminish or apologize for who they are in order to accommodate the other person; if this is the case, the relationship is not healthy and one or both parties will be hurt deeply.  So be confident about your own strength, your ability to protect and provide, and try not to scorn or deny those vulnerable parts of yourself–you will be admired and cherished in the heart and arms of a strong woman.

This, by far, is not all there is to be said on this subject, but I hope its a helpful start.  Stay tuned for the Strong Women: A Guide for Women post coming soon to a Front Porch near you!

Passionately encouraging vibrant individuals who relish rich relationships,
Mav

Email/Comments Assignment: I heartily welcome your feedback.  What are some of your our own challenges and victories?  How feasable do the suggestions sound that I’ve offered here?   What other hints can we add to the discussion?