So I tried a stint on eHarmony once...basically I realized that I just bought sixty dollars worth of amusing stories to tell at dinner parties—between the inventory and the profiles, I got 29 dimensions of comedic material.

There are several things that I found frustrating and one of them was that under the section where you write a narrative about what it is you are looking for in a mate (in my matches cases, in a wife) many of the guys I was matched with simply wrote, “A Proverbs 31 kind of woman/wife.” Seriously? Where is the creativity? Where is the thought? Where is the originality in that?

At first I was annoyed that guys can so casually drop a scripture reference in there with little thought about what he is actually and personally looking for. And then, feeling miffed that there is no easy passage like that for women to use, I mischievously thought about dropping in some Song of Solomon reference in my “what are you looking for in a mate” section. Something like: (5:10-16)

10 My lover is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.

11 His head is purest gold;
his hair is wavy
and black as a raven.

12 His eyes are like doves
by the water streams,
washed in milk,
mounted like jewels.

13 His cheeks are like beds of spice
yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies
dripping with myrrh.

14 His arms are rods of gold
set with chrysolite.
His body is like polished ivory
decorated with sapphires.

15 His legs are pillars of marble
set on bases of pure gold.
His appearance is like Lebanon,
choice as its cedars.

16 His mouth is sweetness itself;
he is altogether lovely.
This is my lover, this my friend,
O daughters of Jerusalem.

Mmmmhmmmm…yes please!

But alas, I thought maybe I should behave myself. So I wrote something fabulous about looking for some Godly, passionate, adventurous, man who knows what he is looking for and is not afraid of going after it once he finds it.

But still I kept thinking about the whole Proverbs 31 thing. I mean, where do guys get off just throwing that out there so seemingly causally? Don’t they know that passage is the gold standard for being a Godly wife? It’s not like all that stuff is easy to live up to. And furthermore, while guys might look really holy when they put that down, do they really know what they are asking for?

I decided to take a good hard look at the passage and consider it. I took it as kind of a ruler against which I would measure myself as I thought about the kind of woman I am, and the kind of woman I hope to be for a man some day. And when I looked closely, I was really surprised by what I found, it was an entirely new passage to me (passage in italics; my comments in bold):

Epilogue: The Wife of Noble Character

10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

So right away, things start off pretty intense: she’s fabulous, rare, hard to find…

13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

She makes her own cloths out of wool and flax—that means no apple-bottom jeans, boots with the fur or form fitting, scoop neck Ts…just the essential neck to ankle gown

14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

Okay so maybe she is in charge of the grocery shopping, I give you that…

15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

She gets up early to make breakfast–man do you guys have it good!

16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

Here’s where it gets really interesting—she buys land, by herself out of her own earnings. Yeah, glossed right over that one didn’t you? Still dazed from your bacon and eggs coma from verse 15 huh? So she makes her own money and buys her own land and works it! Interesting.

17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

She works hard and, pretty much, she’s ripped—might even beat you in an arm wrestle. So this is no dainty little waif; this woman means business and can carry her own bales of hay…but would love the help if you’d offer it.

18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

She is a savvy business-woman making profitable and wise financial decisions

19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

And when she’s not out buying fields, working her strong arms, or making a sound business transaction, she’s feeding the poor and clothing the needy. Wow this woman is busy!

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

Furthermore, she is well ordered and plans ahead wisely so that in the future, her and her family’s needs are taken care of and there is a little extra to cover the lean months of winter…aka: has a 401k and a financial portfolio—and we’re not talking cookie jar stash!

22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Not only does she make her own clothes but accessories for the house as well, and she has fine taste: purple is the color of royalty. Looks like she does a little interior decorating on the side to make sure her house is a home and exudes just the right feng shui to make all feel welcome.

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She gets credit for her choice of husband—a man who is well respected among city officials

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

“Strength” and “dignity” are words used to describe her throughout the community so she is prominent and has a reputation of integrity

26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

When she speaks, people listen.  She is respected as a trustworthy leader and teacher as well as an equal intellectual partner with her husband who takes seriously her thoughts, suggestions, and insights

27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

She manages the bills and the finances, balancing the budget and keeps the household running smoothly

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

Her children adore her and she is the apple of her husband’s eye—he beams with pride to speak of her for she surpasses all others

29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Finally, to her husband, her passion for the Lord is be her sexiest quality…for charm and beauty are vain endeavors

31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Now, I ask you again men, do you really grasp what it is you so glibly request?

That’s a whole lot of woman! That’s a powerful, strong, confident, savvy, no-nonsense, down-to-earth, generous woman. I suppose in theory you really DO want that kind of woman. Maybe that is what boys are taught throughout their years in church school and youth group. But in my experience, the majority of men who actually meet such a woman, don’t have the first clue how to handle her—like a car with too much power: awesome in theory, intimidating in reality. She is the object of desire, the veritable unattainable mythic creature—a unicorn! And yet many times, when a man finally gets her in his hands, he freaks out or flakes out and she is left wondering what the heck just happened.

Christian women everywhere grow up trying to measure themselves against passages like this and I wonder, do we look closely enough at this description? Or do we wipe our brow in relief to be let off the hook thinking that guys really don’t care about beauty (vs 31) and that our devotion to God will be our selling point? Because lets face it ladies, while we know that there have got to be sparks of physical chemistry, we really do want to be adored and cherished for our character, not just for how hot we look in jeans…or out of them! But seriously, do you realize all this passage gives us permission to be? Be empowered, not discouraged, the next time someone tells you they’re looking for a Proverbs 31 kind of woman!

Proverbs 31 is a tall order. And men, when you do find her, she really is worth far more than rubies. So, hold her close, admire her, and tell her how precious she is. Don’t run in the other direction. Praise God for her strength, her wisdom, her courage and her wit. And Praise God that she thinks you’re something pretty special! For the one who finds rare treasure, and knows it, is indeed respected among leaders!

If Proverbs 31 is the standard, 1) how do we as women strive to live up to this practically and faithfully and 2) how do you as men strive to be the kind of men that can truly desire and cherish this kind of woman?