On the playground
you were toast if you
ran like a girl

In gym class
you were picked last if you
threw like a girl

With the neighbors
you were left behind if you
were chicken like a girl

I was just tryin’ to figure out how to be in this world

So
I ran fast
I threw far
I became brave
I climbed out of windows on bedsheets
I trekked through woods on after dark
I careened down hills on
sleds, wagons, and contraptions
I skinned knees without flinching
I ate gross things without fear
I swam out deep without a care

As if it was something less, something not quite enough, something lacking, to be a girl…

I was just tryin’ to figure out how to be in this world

but then came hips and breasts
and dangerous curves
skinned knees replaced with silk stockings
gross dares replaced with napkins in laps and elbows off the table
pony tails and dirt smudges replaced with hot-roller curls and eye shadow
practical play clothes replaced with skirts and heels

I put aside the ways of a child
to become a woman
I gave sway to my hips
and donned fitted tops
I savored the looks
I relished the desire

but then there were leering stares
and attempts to trespass
stern teachings to “Tempt not thy brother to lust”
and exciting yet forbidden feelings

so I hid away my body
disguised it
and reviled it
as a traitor, a malefactor,
something not to be cherished or trusted

I was just tryin’ to figure out how to be in this world

I set my mind to goals
I went to school
I learned I could be whatever I wanted
I longed for love
I ached for a family
I dreamed of romance
But such things did not come
so I did without
and made it on my own

I was just tryin’ to figure out how to be in this world

I learned men like confidence,
a woman with passion
a woman with intelligence
a woman who is independent
I conceived a vision
I obtained degrees
I pursued my purpose
I learned to dance
I moved across country
I fixed tires and bought my own drill

“But not too independent honey, I think you intimidate them”
so I followed even when he didn’t know the steps
I let him drive
I put away my drill and pulled out my kitchen mixer…

I was just tryin’ to figure out how to be in this world

But now?
I am just so damn tired of following everyone else’s rules

I am this woman:
I’ve got:
tool boxes full of wrenches, screwdrivers, and pliers/icing bags, frosting tips, and cupcake wrappers
I’ve got a:
closet full of boots, jeans, and t-shirts/heels, skirts, and little black dress
I’ve got a:
cabinet full of soap, razors, and deodorant/lip gloss, body spray, and earrings

I am vibrant and alive
I am a keeper of dreams
and a lavisher of love
I know what I desire
and I’ll fight for what I believe in
with all the fire and passion I’ve got
I am a damn fine cook
and I can replace my car’s side-view mirror

I’m just tryin’ to figure out how to be me in this world!

***

This poem…hmm, well, it was inspired by various people and experiences.  One influence is music, “When I Was A Boy,” by Dar Williams and   “The Guy That Says Goodbye To You,” by Griffin House.  Of course, my own experiences of growing up a girl have played a major role   More recently I was talking with a great friend of mine; I was saying something about doing something all girlie (using a negative tone to note my frustration at slipping up and acting feminine) and he said, “But Mav, you ARE a girl!  I don’t see the problem.”  I was struck to the core by what he said and I was in awe of how this man gave me the freedom to be girlie–something usually looked on as a deficit–by validating it as something wholly positive and appropriate.

So this poem is for all the women out there just trying to figure out how to be your phenomenal, beautiful, lovely, strong, delicate, feminine, capable, intelligent, talented, witty, ambitious, nurturing, vulnerable, authentic, and vibrant selves!  I also send my utmost gratitude out to those amazing men who cherish and adore the women in your lives for exactly who they are; Thank you, men!