In the school of life I’d comfortably say that I’m doing well in most subjects: literature–I love to read and I’m continually honing my writing skills; art–trying my hand at more sketches, dappling in photography; music–rockin’ it; math–I can double or half a recipe like nobody’s business; science–I understand which ingredients are required for proper leavening in baking; home ec.–at the top of the dean’s list.  Yep that pretty much covers it.

What?…Relationships?  Oh…that subject.  I was hoping you wouldn’t ask.  You see,  in the relationship department, it seems that I am on the remedial track.  Maybe I was busy daydreaming new recipes or spinnin’ new rhymes during Relationships 101; maybe I skipped class to head to the beach or toss a frisbee; maybe, in this department, I just need to experience the lesson five different ways or be held back until I get it.

Let me give you an example of my relational remediality.*  Recently I broke up with a guy;  we weren’t dating though.  Now, I’m sure you’re wondering how on earth a person manages to break up with someone they weren’t even dating.  Well, I’ll tell you how I accomplished this feat: in three easy steps (Kids, don’t try this at home, it will only lead to heartache).  First, you take a lavish helping of unrequited love; second, add to it a heaping ration of ridiculously resilient hope; and third, top it off with a delightful dollop of denial.  Ta-da!   There you go, this recipe will have you in tears every time.  Trust me; I’m a professional.

I saw the movie, I’ve read heaps of books, I’ve even spent two years of my life studying relationships at the graduate level!  You’d think I’d know better.  So what is it that keeps me, and–I’ll take a risk in saying–a good number of you out there, handicapped in this area of our hearts?

Well, this post is all about getting down to the nitty gritty and baring some less than lovely parts of my soul with you–the wide, world, on the web.  All jesting aside, this recent situation affected me deeply and I’m pretty sure that Goodbye was one of the single-most painful things I have made happen to myself and maybe another person.  I cared very much for this man and wanted so badly to be allowed to love him.

I think that’s it right there: my intense desire to love another.  When I think about wanting to be in a relationship, I don’t just dream about everything that I will receive from that person, but I think a lot about everything I hope to bestow upon him–all the love, support, admiration, respect, sense of humor, amazing cooking, ridiculously good looks, creativity, poetry, affection, smooches, and the list goes on ad infinitum!

In the end though, the bottom line is that no matter how much he–or any other guy–appreciates me and values me, if he’s just not that into me, I really do need to jump ship to save myself.  The problem I have is that I’m emotionally loose–I bare my soul, I share my poetry, I listen–really well, I have an uncanny ability to sense kindred souls and I connect with them.  None of this sounds bad.  But the problem is that I sometimes connect with men and allow them to connect with me on this deep spiritual/soul level, we have these moments of intense emotional intimacy building a powerful bond, but totally outside of any context of a committed relationship.  So I’m sitting there with my affection and desire growing out of control like yeast dough that’s been forgotten and he’s just not that into me.

Bad news for both our hearts.  In the short run I always think I’ll be fine.  I fool myself into thinking I can pull off the platonic “best gal pal” role.  This however, is a bunch of bollocks and I know it.  I just choose, every time, to ignore that.  In the long run, I’m sitting there pining away for a man thinking that at any minute he’s going to finally come to his senses and “get it” about how fabulous I am and sweep me up into his arms and I will swoon like I’ve never swooned before…all the while in reality he’s dating other girls, pining for other girls, or asking me for tips on how to get with other girls and my heart does that pathetic *thbbppt* of an inflated balloon that has just been released to fly about the room ultimately landing limp and lifeless on the floor.

So newly empowered by my courage and strength to say this recent Goodbye–which by the way Zero% of me actually wanted to do, but 100% of me knew I had to do–I think about how to not get into this situation again.

I recently heard a Beatles song and wondered if that’s the answer: “Hey!  You’ve got to hide your love away…”  But something about putting my love in grandpa’s old steamer trunk and tucking it away in the dusty attic just doesn’t set right with me.  Being an authentic person is really important to me, but I know I need to find some balance between being real and giving away too much of my heart to someone not ready to cherish all of me with the awe and wonder I desire.  I don’t really have the answer yet/now.  But I’m proud of myself for thinking about it.  As much as that Goodbye hurt like hell, I’m proud of myself for mustering up the chuztpah to do it.  But I’m not gonna lie, I really don’t want to have to do that sort of thing ever again–for both our heart’s sakes!  I’ll keep you posted as I come up with creative ways to be authentic and still reserve those parts of my heart and soul for the one who would have them.

One other note: even though I had to say Goodbye, I would never for a minute wish to have missed out on knowing this person.  He contributed richly to my life and continually challenged me to become a better version of myself; I will always cherish my memories of our moments and conversations with bittersweet gratitude.

I hold it true, whate’er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all

–From Alfred Lord Tennyson’s poem In Memoriam:27, 1850

*Yeah, I totally did just make up that word