As I have embarked on and continued along this journey of becoming a mental health professional, I have heard such varying misconceptions of what I and my colleagues do.

Many people wonder how–being “so young and single”–I could possibly help older adults, couples, parents, etc with their problems.  I think it is interesting that most people would not first ask their medical doctors if they have broken their arm before letting him or her set it or that many women have male OBGYNs who have clearly not ever experienced pregnancy and yet, so many people are skeptical that someone without a specific experiences could counsel them effectively

Then I realize many people don’t really know what therapy actually is.   I can tell you for sure what it is not: therapy/counseling is not advice-giving.  Since it is not advice-giving, it is very possible that one can be a very capable therapist for those with whom he or she has little in common.

The other day I was thinking about how to boil down what I do into a concrete idea.  I decided that the very core of therapy is communication.  A therapist teaches, models, and encourages his or her client’s to communicate in healthy ways.  As I thought about all the different “problems” people have–whether angry outbursts, unruly children, stale relationship, depression, lack-luster sex life, tension with co-workers, etc–and realize that at the very core of those challenges is a breakdown in communication.  Therapy teaches us to identify our own feelings, to verbalize and express those feelings in healthy ways, to set and communicate to others the boundaries we’ve set, to actively listen to others around us.

Now I am by no means denying the reality that there are some serious physiological disorders that need medical/medication attention.  But even these issues require a combination of medication support and positive communication skills.

Throughout my continuing process of becoming a therapist, I have learned such valuable skills for communicating with the people around me and I wonder if I had not gotten this degree, how else would I ever learn these skills?  And then I realized, it is my role as therapist to teach my clients these skills.  So I teach partners how to   communicate with each other, how to identify and verbalize their feelings, thoughts and needs and how to actively listen to each other.  I teach parents how to set boundaries and communicate these to their children, how to follow through in implementing consequences when boundaries are crossed, and how to praise their children for the positive choices they make along the way.  I teach kids and teens how to identify their feelings beyond “I’m bored” and how to express those feelings in healthy and productive ways.

As a person who has grown up in an evangelical Christian setting, I am keenly aware of the doubts much of the church has about whether or not therapy has any place in the life of a Christian.  Without getting into an entirely different discussion, I contend that 1) Jesus is the best example of therapist/social worker I’ve ever come across (good listener, withheld judgment, sat with people where they were…even if it stank, offered people new ways of living in and relating to the world around them); 2) therapy is about learning about ourselves, and about who and how we are in relation to others–this should not threaten anything the church teaches, rather, I’d think it would enhance the core idea of Christianity; 3) prayer can be a powerful tool in any situation, but I do not believe it is a substitute for doing the work of learning how to communicate clearly and healthfully.

If partners cannot talk to one another without arguing and blaming, they need to learn how to verbalize their feelings with “I” statements and to actively listen by repeating what the other has said–this is assertive communication.  If a parent gives in every time a child tantrums, they need to learn how to endure the child’s fit until “no” truly means “no.”  If a teen is unable to answer the question, “how are you?” with anything other than “I’m bored,” “I’m fine,” or “I’m whatever,” they need to learn how to identify what they are feeling and to get that out in ways that won’t hurt them (cutting, drinking, sex, drugs) or others (physical/verbal aggression, joining a crew/gang, criminal activity)–things like painting, drawing, music, spoken word, dance, skateboarding, sports, any other creative expression.

So that’s what I do; that’s what my colleagues do.  There are many reasons we seek guidance, training, tutorials, why shouldn’t relationships and communication be cause just as worthy of learning new skills?  With all my heart I encourage you to know that going to therapy does not imply that you are weak, that you are “crazy,” that you are some how less.  Therapy is a process in which one is prompted to learn more about him or her self, in which one is offered new tools for coping with stress/adversity, in which one is given permission to remove labels that have been given and embrace new identity, in which one can replace destructive habits with constructive ones, in which one can tend wounds that otherwise threaten peace, hope, and healthy interpersonal relationships.  I get that I’m pretty biased, but I believe in the therapeutic process.  I have been there myself.   I have been a client.  I have done–psht who am I kidding, I’m still doing–the work.   I think everyone, regardless of experiences, can benefit from working with a quality therapist.

I’m not gonna lie, there are whack therapists out there.  But its no different than the sly mechanics, shady car dealers, bitter teachers, questionable leaders, and unethical doctors that we discern our way around.  Knowing that such individual exist and operate out there doesn’t keep the majority of us from getting our regular oil changes and check ups; we just seek out reliable referrals and we check references.  So too be wise about your selection of a therapist.  Some clinicians list credentials online, some you can ask in person.  You have every right to interview for a therapist and most will give discounted rates for initial consultation sessions.  You may seek out a clinician in a private practice setting or in a community mental health setting.  Check to see if your insurance plan covers any mental health sessions.

Some questions you may want to ask your therapist are:  What are your credentials? (MFT, LCSW, PhD, etc); Are you licensed by this state? (Their card/info should include a license number you can look up through your state’s mental health directory); What is your specialty? (Most therapists have a special focus: eating disorders, depression, sexual addiction, childhood disorders, etc); What is your fee per session/how do I pay you? (Some therapists prefer pay-per-visit and some prepay-per-month); Do you take insurance? (Usually your insurance company can provide you a list of referrals that take your insurance for x number of sessions per year); What is your theoretical orientation? (Psychoanalysis, Cognitive-Behavioral, Systems-theory, etc); What is your cancellation policy? (Usually you pay for a session unless you provide 24hour or more cancellation notice).  These questions can help you figure out whether or not a therapist will be a good fit for you.

Therapy is a generally uncomfortable process: learning new skills, cleaning old wounds, clearing new paths is all hard work.  Often it will feel worse before it feels better–if this is the case, keep at it!  You’re on the right track I like to describe therapy in this way: have you ever undertaken cleaning out that one “junk drawer” in your desk or kitchen?  Its messy right?  There are all kinds of things in there: things that belong, things that go somewhere else, things that–what the heck is that anyway?  I usually have to dump the whole thing out to start with.  Then I proceed to sort out what goes back in the drawer, what goes elsewhere, and what goes in the trash.  Sometimes I have to create a new system of organizing the things that will go back in the drawer (little boxes, dividers or compartments) so I can easily find things later.  It always seems like it gets way worse before it gets better.  Most of the time I wonder how on earth all that stuff actually fit in there in the first place!  But in the end, I know just where to find batteries, scissors, post-its, tape, bag clips, and that handy little flashlight and Oh how I relish that sense of accomplishment.  Sometimes I’ll walk by and open the drawer just to admire my work smiling contentedly to myself.  And, after doing all that work, I am much more inclined to do the light maintenance to keep that drawer need and tidy.

I’m happy to try to answer any questions you might have about the therapeutic process.  I’d love to hear about your experiences–both challenges and triumphs–with therapy.